For hundreds of years, a vast international conspiracy has been carried out with the admirable goal of lying to small children. At the heart of the scheme? A legendary fat man who is alleged to live at the North Pole. Like most conspiracies, the myth of Santa Claus relies on the innate stupidity of those meant to be fooled - after all, if any of these kids ever looked at satellite imagery, they'd realize there's nothing up there. That's why, in an effort to aid the ruse, we recently began construction on a massive polar fortress, complete with a giant "Santa Lives Here" sign. Deceiving children may be its own reward, but the outpost serves a secondary purpose: international law enforcement wouldn't dare run a raid on Santa's Workshop, no matter how many of the "elves" are being held captive against their wills. While nothing troubles us more than the idea of our customers having children, the least we can do is help them gaslight their kids for the sake of the biggest consumer holiday of the year.