You nerds realize that we can see the things you post on the internet, right? Absolutely disgraceful. In fact, we feel confident in proclaiming that no customer base on Earth needs to touch grass more than our own. Now, we know what you're thinking: "sounds easy, just mow a few hundred lawns and include some clippings with each order." That's what we thought at first, too... until we realized how much of the housing market is owned by Blackrock. As fun as it sounds to get embroiled in a precedent-setting lawsuit about corporate ownership of lawn trimmings, it doesn't really accomplish our stated goal of getting you to touch some grass for once in your life. Instead, we're playing the long game: sell enough fake grass that we can afford to beat Blackrock at their own game. Once we've established a nefarious monopoly on investment property ownership, we'll also own all of the real grass attached to said investment properties. You see the vision, yes? From there, it'll be as simple as "convincing" you all to mow our millions of lawns. Mission accomplished: you go outside, gain some useful life experience, cure your Vitamin D deficiency - we establish a monopoly on both real estate and lawn ownership. Firm handshakes all around. Just think: all that stands between this dream and reality is you making the brave decision to touch some grass.
