I recently had an affair. My question now is how can someone forgive themselves? I feel undeserving of love and kindness. – JP, United Kingdom | | | Dear JP, Our refusal to forgive ourselves for our mistakes tends to hang on an unreliable sense of how much these were, in the end, avoidable. Alongside the pain comes questions: Why didn’t we have greater foresight? Why couldn’t we muster self-restraint? We will conclude that we messed up because we are greedy, vain, shallow and weak-willed; that we have ruined our lives because we are lustful, immature and egocentric. Our self-hatred will grow more intense as we contrast our soiled lives with the (seemingly) impeccable choices of others.
We cannot, however, forever explain our mistakes by determining that they resulted from our uniquely flawed characters. We need to learn a far more holistic and objective answer. We messed up because we are human. Everyone’s life is messed up – all that varies is how obvious this is to others. Regretting a mistake doesn’t single you out as particularly awful or unusual; it only confirms that you belong to the human race, a fact for which you deserve limitless sympathy and compassion. Discover more advice below. More on self-forgiveness: | | | Read: Of Course We Mess Up! | | Watch: Learning to Forgive Ourselves | | | Is my girlfriend the love of my life? – Alfred, Ghana | | | Dear Alfred, We can spend a lot of time wondering whether or not we’re with ‘the one.’ Instead, you might wish to consider your responses to seven very short statements: Do you agree or disagree with following? - They know how to comfort me well in a crisis
- I feel they deeply care about my well-being and flourishing
- When I have something truly important I need to communicate to them, they listen
- They make an effort to try to change for me
- They are kind to the child in me
- I enjoy talking with them
- They have my back
Our partner doesn’t need to be perfectly ‘right’ for us (as no one can truly ever be), nor do they need to share our every taste and interest. We can most likely forgive our partner all sorts of failings if they score seven affirmatives here. Discover more advice below. More on ‘Am I with the right person?’: | | | Read: 'I Will Never Find the Right Partner' | | Watch: On Finding ‘The Right One’ | | | I feel like I will always be lonely. I don't find people like me. Is that common? And how do I overcome it? – Binita, India | | | Dear Binita, A high degree of loneliness is a normal, inexorable part of being a sensitive, intelligent human. The problem is sure to get worse the more thoughtful and perceptive we are. There will simply be fewer people like us around. Acute loneliness is a specially punitive tax we have to pay to atone for a certain complexity of mind. Binita, you can begin to ease the discomfort of loneliness by better understanding its origins, and by realising that your loneliness places you (surprisingly) in good company. Discover more advice below. Help with loneliness: | | | Read: Loneliness As A Sign of Depth | | Watch: Remember That EVERYONE is Lonely | | | Learn, Heal and Grow with The School of Life Subscription Start your wellbeing journey today. | | | Follow us on social media: | | | |
