When sex dries up in a long-term relationship, we often assume the problem is physical: a lack of chemistry, spontaneity, or technique. Yet, as we discover when we look more closely, the real issue tends to be psychological.
Over time, our partner becomes (erotically speaking) a stranger to us. Not because they have changed dramatically, but because we have stopped asking the kinds of questions that reveal who they are sexually now. Desire fades when conversation does.
To begin again, we don’t need to perform; we need to talk. Before touching one another, we may need to rediscover the thoughts, histories and fantasies that shape our partner’s erotic world, and share more of our own. Sex returns when we feel understood.